Feeling Bleh About 3.2, About Transexuality

Well, just last week I returned to my native WoW server Lightninghoof to be with my old guild Lowered Expectations, and I really have to say my feelings are rather mixed in regards to my guild and the game in general. I’m actually annoyed by other people being overly hardcore about raiding, which up until this point I enjoyed. As a Mage, being one of the only pure DPS classes in the game raiding drives me utterly mental. I’m always looking at the damage meters making sure I’m beating everyone else, or at least most everyone else. Normally, I’m pwning, hard. Especially on the overall damage done, I routinely beat the other mages who run Fire spec. Thing is, I hate having to compete. It makes me hate the game so much. DPS meters mean everything to everyone, even the tanks and healers. Perform shitty and your raid spot is put on the chopping block. It’s really stupid. A lot of people think I should stay Arcane spec, but part of me really wants to embrace Fire spec the the other mages. I’m missing a 4-piece T8 bonus though, so I really can’t picture myself going Fire without that.

Also Replenishment is getting nerfed again. Real hard. I’m beginning to think patch 3.2 might actually hurt, not necessarily kill, WoW in that Blizzard is making things entirely too difficult by changing things that have been the same for years. I also read on EJ that clipping Arcane Barrage casts at the end of Arcane Missiles is getting nixed which will end up hurting the spec I run in raids even more than it’s already been hurt. I’m not exactly sure about everyone else, but people who are serious about raiding seem to almost fret 3.2 and the changes it will bring.

As a side note, I’ll be moving to Massachusetts this week. I don’t feel ready, though I have to go and get on with life and finish my school. There’s nothing happening in Ohio that indicates to me that should stay. It’s really a dead place. People are close minded, and the state’s economy is like most of the country, in shambles. Money drives me mental, there’s never enough of it going to you, and you’re always spending so much of it just to go anywhere in the world.

I’m definitely not that happy with being an English major but I’m just going to go with it since there’s nothing that interests me in the world other than music. I should be a music major but I’m so far behind theory wise, not skill wise, that it makes me feel like utter shit everytime I get into the same room, or in a conversation with a conductor type of individual. They always seem so “holier-than-thou” it just makes me sick.

On the transexuality front, I’m feeling so many things. I’m concerned about finding a new doctor when I get to Massachusetts, though I’m going to try my very best and hopefully get lucky in nabbing an elusive appointment. I’m also feeling like maybe I should give it up, though I most certainly don’t want to. And it’s not the fact that I can’t pull it off, or that I don’t pass well enough or anything, it’s that outside of a few things I have nothing in common with either genetic females or males. I despise both. I hate the male body, but I love the ability to be blatantly candid, to curse freely etc. Likewise, I adore the female body, their sensibility, and voice. I hate having to play dumb, and be sweet. In a world full of assholes, you have to be defensive. I certainly do believe that if I had the money to drastically change my appearance it might become easier to accept some of those feminine things that I have a difficult time adopting, but as it stands. I’m somewhere left of center gender-wise, and that might not be a bad thing. Getting people to buy into the tranny-androgyny thing though might be a little uncomfortable for some. I mean some days I feel male, though I can go on for weeks having no desire to act out as male if you catch my drift. Seriously though, I don’t really know what to think. I’m pretty sure it will work itself out in the end, and maybe I might just learn to live with being more androgynous over anything else. If I had a choice before birth what I wanted to be, I’d like to think I would chose female, but then again, maybe I’d pick the same thing as I am now. Something unclassified, an anomaly among the mundane. I can’t really be labeled now, and maybe I never will.

Maybe my meds are just totally out of whack…