Sleepless Nights

Let’s talk about my problems for a moment. One, I’m suffering from extreme insomnia, my mind races with thoughts of things I should be doing when I’m supposed to be sleeping. I have found it exceedingly difficult to sleep during the night time when the rest of the world sleeps, I get my best rest during the daytime when the rest of the world operates, which my body obviously doesn’t compute. I live in a shared household of “day-walkers” as I like to call them and I’ve become increasingly irritable because of all this.

My second biggest issue is my search for a job. As an aging college student it becomes more and more difficult to land college related jobs. The people running the show are a few years my younger so I can understand. I’m a junior in college now, much older than I should be, in classes with people younger than my youngest brother. It’s not often that I visit the college dining halls for a quick bite to eat or just a place to simply people watch but when I do, I’m greeted with the ole’ “are you a student?” at the cash register more and more.

I can’t help but think that I actually am beginning to look a bit older, though I feel so much younger than I am I feel like I’m sixteen again, ripe with pubescent irritability only this time around as a female. I stopped my life dead cold to pursue a transition into a new gender and while I feel that it’s certainly paying off I can’t help but feel that I’m not getting the respect I deserve. I constantly forget, however, that other people, normal people share this same feeling. Everyone has a need to feel like they should be respected. What few people do is give the respect to other people that they so crave.

I remember growing up in the late 80s-90s and seeing people, perfect strangers, say hello to one another. Waving, smiling, giving the respect that we all deserve to one another. I often go for walks, even during the winter and I can’t help but notice the sheer anti-social behavior that I’ve been shown. At first I thought that people didn’t want to talk to me because of my outward appearance. I mean don’t get me wrong I’m gorgeous for who I am but like the Mona Lisa, people will surely see what they want to see. In any case, this anti-social attitude brought on through our constant connection to our loved ones via text messaging, the internet, and networking websites such as Facebook, and Mywaste….ooops I mean Myspace, have made everyone a closed book. Gone is the age of blatant racism, and giving respect where respect is due. The age we live in is one of silent racism and giving no respect because people outside of our little bubbles are–well outside of our bubbles and worthless pieces of human waste-flesh. Is this right? I don’t really know. Does it feel right? Absolutely not.